What Does Your Flight Path Look Like?

Do you have "control issues?" Do you think you have to do things perfectly, without allowing yourself any margin of error? Does fear of failure ever cause you to avoid opportunities to grow because you are convinced you won't be able to do it "right"?

The challenge of navigating your life can be kind of like flying an airplane. And I used to assume, without much thought, that planes took off and followed the straight line of the flight path from 'A' to 'B'. That's what the flight paths looked like in the airline magazines –– curved to allow for the Earth's sphere, of course, but straight on the curve.

Then I learned that in the real world, pilots are actually constantly correcting to the right and left, and up and down, around that smooth "straight-line" curve. I was surprised at how far off my simplistic belief had been. And that simplistic belief was supported by the simplistic drawings of flight paths I had seen on airline magazine maps.

Those maps had another effect on my mind, too: They reinforced my perfectionist idea that the "flight paths" of my activities at work, at home, and in any context, had to be smooth, unerring straight lines. No squiggles, no detours allowed.

Of course, we get most of our beliefs and attitudes about being perfect and in control (and therefore afraid of failure) from what we learn in childhood about how life works. If we're taught that there's no room for "course correction" –– that everything we do is either the "right way" or the "wrong way " –– that leaves no room for learning!

Once those beliefs develop into rigid habitual patterns, we rarely question them. And sadly, we can end up living our lives limited by them. Desperate for approval and terrified of failure, we walk a narrow, joyless path.

How I Stopped Being a Control Freak

Something very interesting happened when I learned that pilots actually fly their aircraft by making moment-by-moment course corrections. It gave me an opportunity to think more deeply about my beliefs. Which of my beliefs accurately reflected the true nature of my activities, and which beliefs were merely products of my fantasies?

I kept thinking about how looking at those maps with their smooth curves had reinforced my unrealistic belief that, as the pilot of my life, I was required to fly in a smooth, unerring curve throughout my days.

But then I considered what would happen if a pilot flew a plane according to my attitudes:

• My control issues made me resist change, even when change was clearly called for

• My anxious insistence on perfection and approval of my every move blocked me from seeing situations clearly

• My avoidance of new situations out of fear of failure prevented me from exploring, discovering, and learning what I needed to know.

If a pilot flew that way, how many more plane crashes would occur?!

I Used My Mind to Change My Mind

So, the next time I looked at an airline magazine map, I imagined one of those smooth flight paths morphing into a squiggly line. I thought about how a pilot pays constant attention to what is happening in the environment. How they approach the journey with flexibility, adjusting to changing circumstances.

It became very clear how important it would be for a pilot to be able to release a fixed idea about how their aircraft should travel from Point A to Point B. If that pilot anxiously tried to control the wind and weather, to make it conform to my rigid attitudes, it was pretty obvious how the trip would turn out.

I started relaxing my grip on trying to control things. I challenged my belief that failure and unpredictability were my enemies.

I realized that the most skillful pilots are able to remain calm while adjusting to changing conditions. If the wind changes or a storm blows up on their route, a skilled pilot doesn't take it personally or act cool and pretend it's not happening. If that mountain up ahead isn't on the map, should I fly straight into the side of it anyway? Hardly.

As we navigate our lives, there are bound to be "mistakes on our maps." Most of life consists of the unexpected, and we're often unprepared for it.

But we can accept that we need to be ready and willing to make course corrections from day to day and even moment to moment. If we do that, then when a storm blows up or a mountain appears in our flight path, we can calmly, with kindness, turn away from disaster and keep going. And as we go along our squiggly, imperfect way, we can remember to enjoy the trip.

Course Correction Exercise

• Think of a belief you had as a child that no longer makes sense to you now.
• With compassion and friendliness, review "that child's" behavior (not "your" behavior) –– the things they did based on that nonsensical belief.
• Say, "Of course they felt that way and did that. They didn't have the support or clear guidance needed to do it any differently."
• With the same compassion in your heart, review the adults' behaviors at the time. See how they, too, were trapped in limiting beliefs and lacked good guidance for healthy relationships.
• As you review with kindness those memories of everyone involved, see what course correction you can make in the way you hold them in your heart.

Good luck on your journey!